Eric and I have been back in France for 11 days now after our trip to Los Angeles to get my Visa so I can stay and live in France. Moving to France was the best thing I have ever done for my heart, besides marrying my husband of course. My Darling has encouraged me to share what is happening to my heart on this healing journey in France.
I feel like I have bottled up my true self-expression for so long and experienced so much struggle on the material plane in Los Angeles and also raising the kids. I knew in my heart for years I needed to meet my husband and also the experience of being in another country where I feel people are far more real and live closer to the natural rhythms of life. All these years I had no idea why this was the particular dream I held onto in my heart but now that I am married to my Beloved and living in France I am beginning to see why. My heart sings at the sight of a field of cows, a herd of goats grazing, stone houses and old men sitting on the park bench all afternoon sharing their stories and experiences and talking about the world in this beautiful language that I don’t yet understand. Also, watching couples, families and friends relax at the dinner table for hours after the meal and the wine are gone. The day of everyone jumping up from the table after gobbling their food and off to their own agendas with little or no connection was something my soul could not take anymore.
My feeling is that I have been just holding it together and now cracking wide open in this new space of taking time, feeling, being with my husband, talking with my husband and being immensely interested in every simple aspect life has to offer. We felt bottled up in the States and completely confined with nowhere to nurture our expression anymore. It dried up and withered away in the California and we had to get to France to begin to truly experience the fragrance of life and our marriage.
One thing that Eric has helped me to begin to see how little I have shared about myself with my family. That I hide myself and sell this self that has been outdated for decades. I sell myself as this good Christian girl to my original family when deep down I am far more interested in Jesus as the heretic that he was than the whole “born again” thing that it has in my opinion diluted itself down to but I go along with them never risking judgment or criticism.
I have always admire strong women who are full of self confidence and powerful who seemingly did not need others approval to do or say anything. Now of course I know intellectually that I don’t need others approval to live my life and to think what I think and to say what is real. However, there is a big difference between saying you don’t need anyone’s approval and actually living with the attitude and knowing this and giving up the fear and the habit of decades of being afraid.
You know when you are young and living in your own family you do not (well, at least I didn’t) tell myself wow, there is a lot of dysfunction going on here. Why am I feeling responsible for my Mother’s moods and my deaf sister’s outbursts of anger? Why is the tension so high between Mom and Dad and how come they obviously don’t even like each other but when Sunday comes it’s let’s all get in the car and go to Church where we will hear the good news of Jesus and how much love is supposed to be there but when we get back in the car it’s the same old chilly atmosphere of no love and no respect? It was very confusing to me.
I started at a very early age to bury who was in my heart to be. I quit doing things that I was good at in favor of spending time with people who were not good for me but needing their approval anyway. Running from challenges from fear of failure and playing it safe. Checking out with pot and parties again with the company of “friends” who wanted to control, manipulate and bully me but hey, it was better than being at home with the chilly atmosphere and feeling responsible for my sister’s moods or wondering why Mom was upset or tired and Dad was gone somewhere.